Motherhood can be a lonely journey. That might sound crazy because from the outside looking in most moms are rarely ever alone (especially in this past year). To be clear the loneliness I’m talking about isn’t the physical kind. It’s social and emotional loneliness. If you’re a mom, you know what I’m talking about.
This loneliness isn’t something that happens overnight. It’s a gradual progression. During your pregnancy, you are surrounded by friends and family eager to celebrate the arrival of your new baby. In those early weeks, you have visitors stopping by to meet your new little one (pre-pandemic times of course) and checking in on how you’re doing. As you adjust to a feeding and nap schedule, the visits drop off. When you’re invited to events away from home, you might decline the invitation because you don’t want to throw off the baby’s routine.
Over time, your non-mom friends stop checking in as often because they don’t want to be a bother. They aren’t sure how best to support you and know you have your hands full.
By the time you move out of the infant and toddler stages, your friends might feel more like old acquaintances since so much time has passed. And the thought of reaching out to those friends might feel a little uncomfortable. So maybe you consider building new friendships - until you realize that making friends as an adult can be quite challenging.
Meanwhile, you see other moms scheduling playdates, traveling with another family and living their best life while you are left struggling alone.
If any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone. No matter what stage of motherhood you are at, it’s not too late to seek out connection.
Here are a few tips that may help you combat loneliness in motherhood and build connection with others:
Get out of your comfort zone: Sometimes you can be your biggest hurdle, especially if you’re not willing to let go of your routine. Getting out of your comfort zone might look like finding a babysitter so you have more flexibility to connect with friends. It might look like reaching out to old friends, regardless of how long it’s been since you’ve talked.
Intentionally seek out connection; with yourself, your spouse, your friends, and/or other parents. Intentional means you purposefully take action and make time for connection. It could start with calling or messaging friends and family. It might mean you seek out new friendships by joining a church group, connecting with other moms in a local Facebook group, or talking to another mom at your child’s sports game. There are other moms out there who are looking for connection and relationships. They just might not be brave enough to ask - so be the one who does the asking.
Avoid comparison. It’s easy to look at others and be envious of their joyful moments. Especially when you are overwhelmed and feeling lonely. Remember that you don’t know what someone else’s life is like until you get to know them. And even then you may only see what they want you to see. This is especially true when viewing someone’s social feed. More often than not, you will see their highs instead of their lows.
Make plans. When you’re stuck at home with nothing to do or look forward to, your mind is left wander. That’s when you might find yourself defaulting to numbing habits which can increase feelings of loneliness. Making plans can energize you mentally and emotionally because it gives you something to anticipate and get excited about. Your plans don’t have to be extravagant. They can be weekend trips to explore nearby parks with your kids. Or incorporate connection with others by planning a dinner or hosting a virtual Zoom party.
We need social and emotional connection outside of our spouse and children. We need the perspective that comes from conversations with other parents who are navigating similar challenges. We need to know that we aren’t the only ones struggling at times. We need to know that the actions of our kids are normal, the rules we’ve put in place for them are normal and that we are normal parents. Hearing from other moms who are facing similar situations helps us feel normal and can offer comfort.
Escaping your everyday routine, experiencing social connection, steering clear of comparison, and making plans will stimulate your mind and remind you that you are not alone in the world. Motherhood doesn’t have to be a lonely journey.
If you’re looking for a place to start, join the next virtual Moms Meetup later this month. It’s a place for moms to learn a few tips and strategies for tackling motherhood, share their experiences and offer support to others. Follow this link to learn more.