One of the most common things I hear from moms and admittedly say myself is, "I'm overwhelmed. I have too much to do." As true as those statements might be, we have a lot of control over our life. We decide how much goes on our plate and how often we stop to rest.
It’s possible you might be the cause of your own stress, especially if you’re prioritizing everyone else’s needs above your own. If you want to eliminate stress in your life, you first have to figure out what’s causing it.
Now you’re probably thinking, “I know what causes my stress. My job, my husband and my children do.” The reality is that they may trigger stress and overwhelm but it’s often caused by something else. Let me explain.
Think back on the last time you lost your temper and yelled at your kids. (No judgment - it happens to the best of us.) Consider what was really going on for you at that moment.
Maybe you raised your voice because they were stalling at bedtime. And after a long day of working, cleaning up messes, and all the other mom things, all you could think about was sitting down for a few minutes before going to bed yourself. The idea of that tiny window of freedom shrinking with every passing minute sparked frustration - which resulted in the yelling.
Maybe it was because you didn’t get a full night’s sleep the night before and you had less patience than normal.
Maybe you were upset that you seemed to be the one always handling the bedtime routine while your husband scrolls his phone.
In each of these examples, it might appear that your children were the cause of your stress. The reality is it might have actually been a result of unmet needs, expectations, or a lack of balance - which is often the case. The good news is that these are all things that are within your control. You just have to recognize what you need and give yourself permission to respond to those needs.
If you are facing stress and overwhelm, consider giving yourself permission to do one of the following.
Permission to be human
Stress can often be brought on by having unrealistic expectations of yourself. When you are feeling overwhelmed by life and your to-do list, check in with yourself. Consider whether your expectations are realistic or not.
That doesn’t mean you make excuses for yourself - it means you give yourself permission to be human and have limitations. You control your expectations by honestly assessing what you’re capable of given your circumstances. By reality-checking your expectations, you’re able to focus on smaller accomplishments and keep moving forward while skipping the self-judgment over what you didn’t accomplish. Therefore, decreasing your stress. [Read more about Lowering Expectations here.] No one expects you to be super-human, so give yourself permission to let go of your expectations for yourself and be human.
Permission to rest
Consider how you show up as a mom, a wife, or a leader when you are lacking rest. If you’re like me, you’re probably impatient and easily annoyed. Even the most insignificant thing can feel overwhelming. That’s because stress hits you faster and harder when you are tired.
There’s a popular quote by Anne Lamont that says, “Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you.” Take a break from your to-do list. Stop trying to convince yourself that you are fine or that you’ve got this. Instead, slow down and get some rest.
I realize it might seem counterproductive to slow down and rest when your to-do list is more like a to-do book. The truth is rest allows you to reset and recharge, giving you the energy boost you need to move into action.
I often remind my clients that even racecars, designed and built for speed and performance, take pit stops. They come to a complete stop in the middle of a race to refuel and get new tires so they can finish the race. Your body and mind need the same thing; rest, renewal, and refueling. If you feel stressed, take a pit stop. Give yourself permission to rest. Then return to your race.
Permission to say no
As a mom, you’re used to putting the needs of others ahead of your own. But if you don’t give yourself permission to say no from time to time, it can lead to stress, resentment, and eventually burnout. It can also cause you to lose sight of your own needs, making it even harder to pull yourself out of that place of overwhelm.
When you give yourself permission to say no, it means you pay attention to what’s behind your desire to say yes to something or someone.
Is it something that excites you, aligns with your values, or moves you closer to your goals? You’ll find that these activities will motivate you to take action.
Is it out of obligation, fear, habit, or a desire to be liked or accepted? These are the activities that might drain your energy and spark resentment over time.
Start by getting clear on your values and priorities. (You can download this free resource.) When you know who and what matters most to you and you make your decisions based on what aligns with those values and priorities. If doing something doesn’t align with these, you can be confident in your no without providing an excuse or explanation. It can help you release the guilt or selfish feelings that can accompany saying no to others.
The bottom line is you are in control of what you say yes or no to. Giving yourself permission to say no helps you support others while balancing and prioritizing your own needs.
Permission to ask for help
This past summer I had a client who said, “I want to do it all, but there's never enough time to get it all done." So I asked her, “Do you want it all done, or do you want to do it all?”
Turns out, she wanted to do it all because she was seeking a sense of accomplishment for herself and validation from others. She wanted to prove that she was capable of handling it. Unfortunately, this left her feeling overwhelmed with responsibilities, exhausted from taking on too much, and resentful because no one acknowledged her efforts.
Give yourself permission to ask for help. There are many reasons Moms don’t ask for help. Asking for help can be tough. It can require you to set aside your pride and admit that you can’t do it all alone. It might force you to release control and accept things not being done exactly as you might do them.
As difficult as it might be, asking for help can be a quick way to shrink your to-do list and eliminate resentment. It can help you restore a sense of balance and give you an opportunity to prioritize yourself. Your well-being is just as important as your family’s, so give yourself permission to ask for help.
Remember - You are in control of your life. Stress will make you feel as though you aren’t. The key to regaining control is identifying what you need most and giving yourself permission to do it.
What other permissions do you give yourself to regain control when you are feeling stressed out? Let me know in the comments.
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Hi! I’m Crystalynn, a mom of two and a certified coach. I help moms on the brink of burnout to manage their stress, regain balance in their lives, and develop the skills and strategies they need to thrive as parents and individuals. Sharing strategies to help moms manage stress and advocate for their well-being are two ways I support my coaching clients. If you want to learn more about how you might benefit from coaching, schedule a free session. For more tips on handling stress, follow me on Instagram.